Feelings and Fears

 I don't live with regrets. All experiences are valuable and serve as memories of emotions of saddness, happiness and fear, and my adventure gave me all of these. My British life before moving to China was stable, routine and predictable, where every weekend was carefully planned, but generally not followed. The British, and Germans too, love to plan, as we like the idea of certainty, so what happens when that feeling of security is removed? 

This blog serves as a document of my time living and working in China between November 2016 to March 2024, with an emphasis on the word 'living'. I kept diaries during this time, but I was never able to develop the self-discipline of writing in a diary everyday. I didn't see the point, as days are often the same, even in China, and so I wrote in them on days which I wanted to remember, for either happy experiences, sad, or to document my achievements. This meant that everything significant was remembered, and most importantly, documented, satisfying the true historian nature in me. Most importantly, it serves as an expression of appreciation to China, for all it gave me, including the life, friends, and the 'people' whom I met along the way, if only for a brief moment. 

Figure 1: Pictures of my six diaries while in China

These diaries are not only records of my thoughts, and feelings, but I also keep train tickets, as well as receipts from my favourite cafes and restaurants. 

Figure 2: Picture of a ticket from Shanghai to Hangzhou

Figure 3: Receipts from cafes and restaurants

Figure 4: The chest which is 'home' to my diaries 

The desire for an adventure in China might well be due to what I called at the time 'a quarter-life crisis', and probably due to my very sheltered upbringing, in a medium-sized town in the Yorkshire called 'Beverley'. A typical picturesque British town, predominantly white, conservative, reasonably safe where life stands still in time, is fairly slow and relaxing, with a big beautiful church called Beverley Minster-a church on which I did my PhD. I decided early on in my University life that I wanted to do a PhD, and I had embarked on an independent study on the graffiti of the church, but realised two years into my studies that it wasn't something I wanted to pursue as part of my career. I view this now as more of an experience that I don't wish to re-live, but consider it to be an integral part of my nature and 'personality'. 

Historian, by training, we are natural 'authors', 'observers' , or 'commentators' of stories happening in the present, in the hope that they are read in the future. We live in the margins of stories, rather than being the protagonists within them. I realised this during my PhD, and was perhaps part of the disillusionment with academia, as I wanted to be IN the story, living it, rather than observing it. And this was the difference between myself and the professors in my department. They were content with an easy life sat in offices reading and writing, but I knew I there was more...and this wasn't really my nature.

Figure 5: PhD graduation

 I cried to my sister once and she, most likely, suggested as a joke 'why don't you go and work in China like your cousin, Sarah?', I rolled my eyes and immediately dismissed the possibility. Although the same age as me at 26, she was a highly experienced traveller, who had travelled the world twice, and dubbed Iran as her favourite country to visit. Even though I had serious doubts and a crisis of confidence, once my sister had planted the 'crazy' idea, it was there, and I wouldn't let it go. China was in the back of my mind for months. My mum said 'if Sarah can do it....so can you'. 

I decided to find English teaching jobs in China. I had a pretty dodgy conversation with one guy in Shenzhen who just suggested that I buy a ticket and just 'arrive'...and it was just a phone call. Then I had another interview with a lady from a company called 'Meten', which seemed promising and with a lot of benefits, but no real interview process. 

The next one I received was from English First, a multinational Swedish company, and I was interviewed by an Australian lady who was working in London and she explained that she had already worked in China before. The interview process was reasonably formal, and she asked me to do a 'mock' class and a few other tasks, asked me 30 questions and I had to reply within 5 seconds with only three words. This job seemed legitimate and official. I looked at reviews about the company, Glassdoor, and thought that a lot was pretty negative, but then realised that this was mostly disgruntled former employees....many of which may well have been fired for one reason or another. Generally, people don't write positive things about the companies they work for and are critical, so I took this with a pinch of salt.

With the promise of a free fully paid flight from Humberside airport to Shanghai, I viewed it as a 'free' and most likely 'short term' trip to China-or that was my expectation, since I had never left the nest before. I asked everyone I knew what they thought about me taking this job....trying to get them to help me make a decision....and up until the day of the flight I was still only 50% happy about this decision.  

Figure 6: My 'old' passport.